Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
This is my emotional support knife.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Not all heroes wear capes….
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.