Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
You Might Also Like
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?