Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
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My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
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The glockness monster
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco