My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
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Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”