a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
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“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again