I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
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Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
okay run it by me one more time
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back