Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
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First rule of flight club…no penguins.
eggs benadryl
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar