My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
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Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.