[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
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Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
WWE is French for “yes”
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.