Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
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Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I don’t know what to do
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.