[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
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I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Writing, She Murdered.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”