Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
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doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
May have had one breakfast too many
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.