Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
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Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.