you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
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Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Sticker placement is key.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*