Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
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Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.