How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
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I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult