husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
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The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
It’s tough getting user casket reviews