If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
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My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.