You Might Also Like
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
cry laughing at this shit
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood