Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
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Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées