The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]