[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
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Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]