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Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!