GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
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A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”