[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
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I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I think about this a lot
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Sponch
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.