Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
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If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
You can’t rush stupid.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.