If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
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Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I would move hell over six inches for you
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right