I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
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Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Attacked by a mop.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog