An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
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The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I needed a laugh this morning.
broke down and did it
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Weirdly Wednesday.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something