Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
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Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
the simulation is moving too fast
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.