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getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!