[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
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1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
kids play hide and seek like
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
some Old Testament wisdom
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake