I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
March 16
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.