Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
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Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok