“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
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My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Can Happiness buy money?
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.