Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
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Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.