sigh
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Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.