grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
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Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.