Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
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Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
my mom making me talk to relatives
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay