Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
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If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…