They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
You Might Also Like
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Mad Max: Furry Road
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Friday night party time 🥳
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.