New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
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Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.