Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
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[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids