jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
You Might Also Like
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
i was baptized in a car wash
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Every time my phone rings
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.