It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
You Might Also Like
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
nobody’s gonna understand
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.