me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
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I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.