Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
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Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Why is no one talking about this?!
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.