Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
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Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out