I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
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Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.