walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
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I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go